Love is fickle.

I had promised myself since the time I could understand the relationship of a man with a woman, that I would remain as I am till I had found the one I loved. There was once I thought that and I was left by him. I have since moved on with my life but still have wished to keep that promise to myself. Becoming a therian has made it hard to keep.

My wolf is a side of me I have never experienced in such a full force. It wants, it lusts, it hungers, it needs and it wants. And a lot of what it wants, I am uncertain about or don't want. I am told that I should use my wolf to my benefit, to ride its power to better myself. But it's power is what I am afraid of. Will it change who I am too much?

At first I never thought I would have to deal with it, but recently things have come to pass. Nesto, a guest of our pack has shown an interest in me. While I can not deny an attraction, his is more bold and well defined, while I tend to hide in the shadows and skirt the pools of light. The urges he drives my wolf to reflect in my actions, or at least I would like to think so. I don't want this right now. I want to know who I am, who I am when the wolf is not here. I don't know how to do that yet.

Zane has requested that Nesto visit me when others are around and that nothing should happen between us. We broke that rule in a sense, through Freddy was the one that remained outside the room beyond the open door to give us privacy, yet I was the one that didn't realize this. I broke the rule even if it wasn't broken. He brushed my hair and talked, he tried to help me define who I was. I still don't know. I tried to tell him that I am uncertain and in this he shouldn't bother trying. I tried to convince him to turn his interests to Brigid who apparently does care for him. I tried to convince him of a lot of things, but I couldn't. In the end we sat in the guest suite together and talked. And in the end, the funny thing was that he asked me to be his girlfriend.

That was more human than anything else he had done for me. So I said yes. I don't know if I should have. I told him yes and that is where we are. He will only do what I feel comfortable with and still in the presence of others. I haven't gotten to the thought of just holding his hand. I don't what I expect let alone what he does. I thought my life could try to get back to normal. My training hasn't gone this far and there already have been several times where he has brought my wolf close to coming out, and once did. I don't know how to deal with this. Other emotions I have felt, but attraction and lust by my wolf and interest through my own needs, combined, is far too overwhelming. I think I am going to loose myself to the wolf.

I don't want to loose to it, I want to be me.

On a happier not, Jared took me out dancing several days before the lupanar. It was amazing and I wouldn't trade it for the world. A wonderful time which he promised to repeat again. All we need to do is corner Merideth and get her to go with us so I can teach her with him.

The wolves are my family, that is all that matters. With their help I know I can get through this, but for now, I am still trying to figure out where I stand.

~Eden~

So long it has been since I have written here.

Again much has happened, but the holiday season is drawing near.  Daine and I recently went shopping and I found a few things for Brigid, Ginny, and Stephano.  Jared still is a hard one to buy for and I have no clue what to get Keahi and Grace. Faith though, I have an idea for her.  Her wedding is coming up by the way.

The other night I was able to talk to Stephano and for my training we went out to the lupanar grounds. He made me embrace my wolf, welcome it.  I am not sure what to think of this amazing power, whether to be in awe of it or to fear it. I tempering of both would probably be best.

There is a new wolf I have also met, his name is Nesto.  Rather an unfortunate accident occurred. I got a little stubborn and after several years without practice I tried my hand at the uneven bars again. Without chalking! A younglings mistake and it caused me a injury to my shoulder. I did have to change. It was not quite the right way to meet someone new to the pack, who is also a guest. Seems the pups are easily accepted but those that are full grown and new must wait to prove themselves, though he seemed harmless to me.

Seems that some people are concerned that I wish to be alone, to leave the help of the pack. I am not certain where this came from but Daine addressed this with me.  I have, recently been having dreams of being alone..I am naturally a family person but I think my wolf needs pack interaction and more often then not I feel like I am utterly empty.  It is a horrid feeling.  I figured I should be over this by now, the need for help, but I have more questions now then I ever did, but I don't want to bother anyone.  With my training going as well as it is, I was hoping that daily life would get back in the swing of things.

My occupation does more one on one with customers, and I can't afford to bother Freddy if I wish to restart now. I have to take a break, but I can only paint the walls of my apartment so many times before I get sick fo the colors at all.  I was thinking of taking up photography again, at least I can view the world through photos.

I have accepted what and who I am, as well as the pack. But I still don't want to be a burden.  In time my place will shift its way somewhere within the other wolves.  But for now I will see what I can do. Daine is a great support, I miss spending time with her.  Brigid is also a boone to my worries, I love spending time with my sister pup. Ginny as well, I should visit her again soon.  And Jared definitely still owes me another dance,working on Merideth to learn shall be interesting, but it is a task I am willing to take.

For now, my new challenge is to find a new leotard in town and to tackle those uneven bars, without problems this time.

~Eden~

(Thanks to Rotting_Jazz for the picture!)

I haven't written for quite awhile, but then again I haven't been able to sit and actually hold still till now.  All the horrid pains and stomach aches, fevers and symptoms have flown out the window and I couldn't be more chipper.

I don't remember much of the Lupanar, only of things before, of the feel of my skin crawling, of the way my stomach turned as I walked up in front of the whole pack. But most of all, the bodies.  I don't want to think on it, Daine seemed so upset.  I hardly know anything about her I have realized.  Ginessa and Brigid both stood with me, I was glad for their support and afterwards Ginny was able to tell me what my wolf looked like.

Near white, with a golden patch of fur running from my nose to the tip of my tail, so beautiful.  I am going to need pictures I think.  Apparently I hunted with Brigid and in the process we consumed a rabbit.  I am still not quite comfortable with it.

Now that I have my life fitting back into place, these new senses and feelings washing over me, are slowly fitting in somewhere where I didn't know pieces were missing.

Yesterday I called Stephano.  Zane announced that we all needed to train.  Daine trusts him and he has experience..and I trust him.  He came over, as I had requested and within moments, after short explanations we started. 

He rushed his wolf at me, though I didn't really understand why or how, but somehow I defended myself and was able to keep from changing in fear.  I surprised him, apparently I had done better than he. 

Then came where he tried to coax my wolf out. As much as he says that I did great I feel that if had been seconds later I would have changed.  If it had not been for Ginny telling me what I looked like I don't think I could have pictured the wolf in my mind enough to feel it or try to control it. Stephano seems very pleased with me, yet I know there is going to be a point in my training that I am going to fall hard. I know, negative thinking but I still am scared witless, I never know what to expect. 

I slept for quite a while after he left, only waking to feel like I needed to eat a horse.  I cooked up all the fillets of beef and there was only one left! Good thing my plan is to stay here this Christmas, mother would have to cook for a family of ten or more instead of seven.

~Eden~

I have spent a lot of time up within the penthouse, taking breaks to go down and spend time with Gus. Just yesterday I was sleeping on the couch, apparently I had fallen asleep reading 'Jane Eyre'. Jared was kind enough to mark my place before lifting my legs and settling onto the couch to reposition them in his lap. Unfortunately I inadvertently kicked him. Didn't see to bother him too much. Merideth soon joined us and we had a talk with breakfast. It was good to socialize. Meri left and Jared and I talked for a bit as we finished breakfast, but the best was when I found out he danced. Inquiring of what he did I conned him into swing dancing with me. He is excellent and I think I have found a regular partner. I made him promise to continue dancing with me on certain days and he was happy to agree.

I left the penthouse and ended up heading out for groceries with Freddy. The dancing and new friends made my day brighter and I began to think over what the wolf pack might like. Returning with a few things in tow I found Jared in the penthouse again. He started digging through the bag but had to excuse himself. Keahi and Ryan had also joined us and I finally got to greet Ryan properly.

With the pleasure of watching father and son interact I realized that Keahi is an excellent father and that Ryan is lucky to have such a caring family, as odd as it may be. With dancing as the theme for the day, Keahi waltzed with me, another excellent dancer. Grace joined us and then speaking for a bit of family, I excused myself to retrieve food to go with the roast in the oven as well as retrieve the 'Dragon's of Autumn Twilght' the first chronicle of the Dragonlance series for Keahi to read.

I think I am finding a place within the pack and every day I am finding that I am growing more excited for my first moon. I called up Daine and she promised to take me out this weekend to get me drunk for the first and last time. We are going to tag a few more people, this should be great.

~Eden~

Why does it seem that I show up at the wrong times. With Ginessa's help I made it back up to the penthouse to see if I could socialize with the pack as they do between themselves. The moment we entered the anger and tension filled the room. I don't think this is how I am supposed to act or meant to act, it was an off day.

Elissa unintentionally seemed to have made Jolene angry and what ensued still makes me shiver. Even after the confrontation split up there was supporters of each person's views still in the room and things still seemed to be escalating. Ginessa did her best to calm things out but in the end, Nahele changed and everyone went their separate ways.

I guess I do not know what to think, so many things happened so fast but it was the moment when the Lupa was completely upset. I could feel her power more than any one elses ever before. no wonder Nahele was flinching.

I am learning slowly what it means to be a part of the pack. Many things still evade me but the titles of the alphas are coming slowly, as well as how to greet them. I greet Elissa this way and it seemed to please her. So I must be doing something right.

I finally got to see Daine, though after the meltdown I am not sure it was the best time. I was thinking of calling in a favor from a past client and getting a couple tubs of homemade ice cream sent my way. Hmmmm.

I was told be Keahi and Grace what to expect and both voted that getting drunk before my first moon is recommended. I laughed but come to think of it I have never been drunk, I guess there is always a first time. Wonder if Freddy is up for babysitting a drunken puppy?

With Love
~Eden~

I just got done talking Ginessa today. Its nice to another person to talk to, still I do miss Daine. I guess I am a bit clingy.

Well I have dinner plans with Ginessa tomorrow night and I am looking forward to them. Seeing as she is my sponsor I figured I should probably spend more time getting to know her and learning from her. I have already asked her a few questions and I am going to soon put them to good use; all I need is to work up some courage.

I have decided that it would be good for me to spend more time with the pack in larger groups, try to be social and work through the customs. I learned, as Gin explained, that as a lesser I would lick the lower lip of a superior. This is a little hard for my mind to wrap around and I am not sure I am ready to dive into it, but time will tell I suppose.

This is my world now, my family and learning who and what they are is going to take some time and patience, as well as adapting as best I can. I think the comfortable nude status is going to get to me before lower lip licking.

Gus needs another walk but Freddy is no where and is not answering his phone. Its alright, the poor guy needs a break from me. I could pop in and ask others but I feel more a bother than anything.

Recently my symptoms have been getting worse and sometimes they break. I guess it's because we are drawing closer to the full moon. I am not sure though, all I know is its not so nice to suddenly feel nauseated. I break fevers and I am dizzy more than not, I am fearful that as they get worse I will black out at one of the most inopportune moments.

I am finding I missing home more now than ever. The gentle voice of my mother the comforting smile of my father. Mostly I miss Jason, I miss him so much. I haven't written to him yet, I suspect he might very well have found someone else, we did in a sense break up because of the distance.

I just thought he was the one...

~Eden~

I have been confused and lost for so long in this new unfolding world. I have tried to get by on my own but I am quite grateful the wolf guardian of mine, Freddy. Just the other day I felt a wave of nausea and had he not stayed longer at the apartment I think I might have passed out on my own.

Despite all of the changes and symptons I seem to feel lonely, even with Gus and Freddy. It has been a while since I have visited with Daine. I miss her. She is not but a few floors above me but for the time that has passed she might as well be miles away. I should stop on up.

Gus has grown more accustomed to me but I think after I change he might get a little more restless again. Several times he has told me I will more than likely have to find Gus a new home. I don't want to think about it, it only serves to depress me more.

I met a few more therians, Nigel and Ronan. The latter is a hyena, the other a fox. How strange how this world, once so normal to me can be so dominated by the therians. I had not idea till now.

I just want to get through this and as the full moon grows closer I get more and more nervous. Daine has explained how glorious the change is, that yes it will be painful but I will love it. The thought of the pain, of the change of my body frightens me almost as much as the thought of hunting. But I trust her more than anyone else, I can only believe her words.

Mother called my phone the other day, its so hard not to tell her. I want to and yet I don't. I want her comfort, her help but I feel that her only knowing will make things harder. So I am left to quiet, but I am glad for the forming family away from home. The pack makes me feel at least a part of them, but their ways are a bit odd, I still have to fully accept them, I am not sure I can.

~Eden~

To return to these pages, I never thought I would.

Many things have happened since I have stopped writing, any many more I am sure.

I have become something I was never born to be, but I can not change that.

I wish only to share words, words from a hidden place within me, words that I wish not share with any others but save myself.

Perhaps I will find a better starting to a beginning of a life that I can not understand.

When time passes
Life will turn
Like a leaf
of colors burn


~Eden~